A New Direction: Easing the Pain: Redemption

This post was written by admin on July 23, 2010
Posted Under: Daily Panic Battles

Panic and Anxiety Attacks can seem to have no end. They strike when you don’t expect and they strike when you are in a spot that you have had them before. They wake you up. They show no mercy. They come with a fury and drain every ounce of confidence and energy and then turn and smile as they leave.

However, there is something redemptive when, in the natural course of battling the demon, you find a way to take control back.  Finding the way to break the chains of the demon seems to be an endless and expensive proposition, but in a strange sense of the word, it can be done. 

This story goes back to March, 2010 when I found myself at the lowest point.  The gun was loaded, the plan was made.  I was not going to leave any notes behind but I had a problem, how did I shake off my safety person?  He was riding in the front seat of my car and I had no logical explanation to send him away so I could execute the plan.  However as the demon had evolved into a raging fire from within, I realized there was 3 people I wanted to say good bye to.  So I called them, the first call went to voice mail.  The second one answered and out it came.  I said I was just calling to say good bye; he asked me if I was taking a trip and I slipped up and said yes, an eternal one.  He said he wanted to see me just give me a hug good bye after affirming that my mind was made up.  We arranged a meeting immediately and met.

The entire trip to meet him I was thinking about what I was going to say while at the same time I was fighting the Panic demon.  Moments later we were there and once I saw him I burst into tears.  Was this a divine intervention?  Was this my break through?  Was this what I needed?  I had no answers, but I am writing this several months later, so it is either obvious that I tried and failed or I never executed my plan.

Well the outcome is the latter.  I was not ready to exit this world and God was not ready to let me exit the world, or at least not by my own hand.  What happened in the next several hours, days and weeks were truly remarkable.

I had fallen so far away from God that Satan and the world had a firm hold on me.  I was holding my own pity parties because my job had ended through a layoff, I am looking at money troubles right in the face.  I am living in a loveless and sexless marriage with someone with whom I pass like a ship in the night; but at least ships that pass each other at night, sound a horn, acknowledging their prescence.  It seemed as though nothing was going the right way.  I had joined a friend of over 10 years in business partnership and he just decided one day that he was going to unilaterally end the partnership and in doing so, screwing me out of over $40,000.00.  Money troubles can consume you to the point that you do not know where to go.

Add to this the inherant hypochondia that I have previously blogged about and it just makes things that much worse.  Without that money, I can not get the health care that I need, my medications were running out and despite pleading and begging; giving way to appeals to the Christian he claims to be, he just turned his back and walked on.  He is making the money that he needed to make to save his home and provide for his family with no conscience to what he has done to a former friend and business partner.  He used me and I let him use me.  They say it will come back around, but it never seems to be soon enough.  However, being who I am and what I am I wish no ill will on him.  At some point, it will be redeemed.

But here is what I found.  I stumbled upon a true modern day Prophet.  He already knew everything and he knows he can help.  I have tried everything else, but have never known a Prophet, so what did I have to lose?  Absolutely nothing.  I mean I was an empty vessel of a man anyway.  I had nothing else to give and everyone else had taken everything else.

So I met with him and he showed me that I have the power within myself to fight back.  He told me what I already knew, Panic and Anxiety Attacks are demons.  And demons can be cast out.

Today, I find myself with more freedom and more courage.  I have days where there are no major episodes and while I still have days that are crippling, I have managed through changing my outlook from being defeated to being the defeater to achieve levels of success and control.  I know this may not make alot of sense to some, but what I am saying is that a simple paradigm shift can make the biggest difference between being a victim or a victor.

I am still unemployed, my financial crisis has zenithed, I am facing more personal challenges, but I have also learned that if you just take it 1 hour at a time, you will be OK.  If you give your problems to the God you believe in and NOT take them back. that you can overcome.  I have made some great new friends that have replaced the emptiness in my life.  Not entirely because the evenings are still very lonely, but knowing that anyone of them is a phone call away is such a great comfort.

In closing, what I have learned is the true meaning of “Do not tell God how big your problem is, tell your problem how big your God is!”  

Redemption is sweet revenge against this demon!


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